First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?

Carmen Fletcher

Jr. Member

Posts: 93

Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?

« Reply #1335 on: Yesterday at 05:32:16 PM »

Hi Mrs. Butler.

I am intrigued by the title because it sounds like a historic thriller. I feel that you over used the comma and while you set the scenery up well I have no idea what this is about. I would say keep the scenery but add something like:

Beside a shielding fire side I looked at my somber old wife and made an awkward attempt to make polite conversation. The joyful life she once replayed in her eyes had vanished beyond the misty mountains as we sat and waited for her expected fate.

I don't know exactly what the story is about but hopefully this helps guide you in the right direction. Wink

- CF


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"I have no regrets. I lived this way for a reason and I will find out why when I get to the other side."

-CF

Jed Jones

Full Member

Posts: 138

Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?

« Reply #1336 on: Yesterday at 09:38:34 PM »

Quote from: Carmen Fletcher on August 19, 2010, 06:19:32 PM

True Colors of Anya

The questions I would want you to answer are:

1. Hello all!

2. What caught your attention?

3. What do you think of the Title/Names of characters etc

4. Did you want to read more?

5. What did you feel about those lines?

1. Hello!

(Where's the smiley that waves?)

2. The imagery. The idyll. The innocence. The gaeity. It shone through all those technical errors. (And it had to be good to do that!) Even this page is so excited it keeps jumping up and down all over the place, just like the animals, while I'm trying to type. Which tells me you're bubbling with the talent and rich imagination that you need to have, which you've either got or you haven't. The craft you can and must learn.

3. Love the title. Great pun - so fitting. Somehow you manage to make Anya a more heroic name than it was to start with. It's a plain name - a Russian Jane. What made you choose a Slavonic name for an Amazonian character?

4. Yes - but I'll put the kettle on if you don't get to the point of the story in the next paragraph or two. (I might post my effort where I try to get to the gist of my whole novel right up front)

Hugh writes engaging stories about real animals (and real people) and cannot be blamed for not knowing you're writing a fantasy story for children. (I read your post on the review board and want to crit it when I find time.) So your creatures are allowed to have magic powers. Even nature programmes on TV humanise animals so we can relate to them. You're obviously trying to do the same for your readers.

5. Here I must confess to bias because you remind me of my mother. It's uncanny that you write stories in the same style that she told them when I was little. I know your tale gets dark but I like your happy writing.


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My novel, latest revision:

Synopsis and end of Part Two:
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=21581

PART THREE:
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=23070.0

Carmen Fletcher

Jr. Member

Posts: 93

Re: First Liners - Would a publisher want to read more?

« Reply #1337 on: Today at 02:07:05 AM »

Jed

I am very pleased, humbled, and inspired by what you have said. Before I break in to song out of joy let me respond to your questions and points.

1. Howdy! Don't know where the smiley that waves is. Tongue

2. I'm happy that the imagery and the other elements caught your attention and brought you in. That is the purpose of a great introduction, or so I've been re-taught. I definitely do need critique on technical parts etc which I am looking for on the review board.

3. As far as the name, I liked what it meant (favor and grace). I knew it was a Slovakian name, but I have always liked it and thought I could make it a little Latin. It flows easily through Latin and worldly tongues and to me is a pretty universal name.

4. I have taken my time with this story showing ALL elements of how this hatred, anger, and evil develops. I wrote it differently before and many felt it was a bit rushed. So hopefully you do not drift to far towards the kettle as you read on. lol.

5. I'm glad that the story makes you reminisce to a happy place

. The story does get dark, but I never knew child abuse to be a light subject (lol). But I hope that as I post more of the story you do see the light elements in it. Since you have read the other post on the review board, did you see the light elements?

- The creatures do not have magical powers parse. But they are aware of an ancient spiritual element and draw their life and "power" from that. They do have human characteristics which is meant to bring them to life, which I hope was accomplished.

Thank you so much for your comments! I look forward to your critique on the chapters that I have posted.

Blessings

CF


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"I have no regrets. I lived this way for a reason and I will find out why when I get to the other side."

-CF

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