christa2425
Newbie
Posts: 6
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« on: March 08, 2010, 05:17:07 AM » |
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Dear,
All her life Colby Lange resented her mother. She never understood why her mother would lie in bed for hours staring at nothing, completely lost in her own depredation. As many times as Colby had pleaded for understanding she has been left empty handed with no answers.
Colby is ready to escape. Just finishing college in her hometown Denver Colorado, she has accepted a three month internship in California and is ready to finally live her life, her way.
While searching for her social security card she comes across a letter her mother has written addressed “Dear Mom.” Colby has been told she has no extended family. Furious with her mother’s lie Colby takes it upon herself to secretly travel to a farm in Oregon and meet the family her mother has kept from her.
Colby is determined to find out why her mother left her childhood home, and what could be so horrible that not only did she never go back, but wanted to pretend it never existed at all. Colby relishes in the vindictiveness of living her own lie. She knows if her mother knew where she was it would kill her, and she bathes in that knowledge. She has come for answers, and is determined to find the truth.
She expects her visit to be quick, but instead finds herself putting off the California trip. She is intrigue with her quirky religious grandmother Ginger, her exuberant cousin Becca and even her malicious aunt Cate. For the first time Colby feels she has a belonging, a family.
There on a farm in Oregon Colby searches for understanding of her mother as well as learning to love a family she has been deprived of having.
What she hadn’t intended was falling in love with Dexter Grey, a farm hand who knows more about her mother’s past than he originally leads on.
As Colby unfolds her mother’s demons she begins to realize her own role in her mother’s despair.
With secrets like these, is it better to be left in the dark?
AT THE END OF THIS LIFE is a 92,000 word women’s fiction about family, love, betrayal and forgiveness.
I appreciate your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
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christa2425
Newbie
Posts: 6
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« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2010, 06:07:13 AM » |
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I apoligize. I didn't mean to make this a poll. Rookie mistake, thank you for taking your time to read.  |
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bob414bob
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« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2010, 11:17:35 AM » |
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Hi,
I'm not an expert so check up on this but to me this reads more like the blurb on the back of a book. I thought in a query letter you should tell the whole story, not leave clues as to what might happen.
I also thought you had too many sentences. Sorry not to be more positive. There are some good examples of query letters on this site so search them out for more help. Good luck
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creativechemist
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« Reply #3 on: March 08, 2010, 02:30:53 PM » |
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I'm not an expert so check up on this but to me this reads more like the blurb on the back of a book. I thought in a query letter you should tell the whole story, not leave clues as to what might happen.
No, a synopsis tells the whole story. A query is designed to convince an agent to request the manuscript, so it leaves questions. |
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Someday somethings gonna steal our carbon...
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Country4Gal
http://www.writestreet.com/writestree
Global Moderator
Hero Member
Posts: 10782
Missing you
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« Reply #4 on: March 08, 2010, 02:52:55 PM » |
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I suggest you use the Search button and do a search for Query Letters.
This subject has been discussed many times here and I'm sure you'll find some great information.
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Alice aka Country4Gal
"Animals give me more pleasure through the viewfinder of a camera than they ever did in the crosshairs of a gunsight."
Jimmy Stewart
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A.J.B
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« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2010, 03:23:26 PM » |
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No, a synopsis tells the whole story. A query is designed to convince an agent to request the manuscript, so it leaves questions.
At the same time the Agent/publisher would like to know that you have the story finished. Leaving them hanging doesn't do that. |
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I want to get paid for telling grandiose lies. Authoring it is for me then!
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christa2425
Newbie
Posts: 6
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« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2010, 06:13:23 PM » |
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Thank you all for your great replies. I have done a lot of research but you still never know just what they are looking for. Theres an agent named "query shark" who critiques query letters and i tried to go off the ones she said yes to. I can see about me having to many sentences! I always think it sounds more dramatic. Does it not? I believe the concept behind a query is to get them hooked to want to read more. Did you feel that way when you read mine?
I will defintely add that it is a finished manuscript.
Thank you!
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Wolfe
Guest
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« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2010, 07:29:32 PM » |
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I want to stay in lurker mode until I finish editing, but allow me to address an issue you raised. In your query letter, you do not state your manuscript is complete. If you query agents, for fiction, they assume and demand the work be finished and polished to perfection.
Otherwise, you withhold querying the work.
I know other websites advocate the, "Manuscript is complete," statement. But, publishing considers it a given before you query agents.
As far as your query hooking me into wanting more? Honestly, and this is my opinion, it did the opposite. Your query contains fundamental errors in grammar and punctuation.
For example: She never understood why her mother would lie in bed for hours staring at nothing, completely lost in her own depredation.
Look at the above example and reconsider the structure and style. Agents look for missteps like these to reject the proposal so they may move to the next letter.
Please examine where the sentence fails and why.
Wolfe
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« Last Edit: March 08, 2010, 09:16:04 PM by Wolfe »
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christa2425
Newbie
Posts: 6
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« Reply #8 on: March 09, 2010, 03:52:08 AM » |
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Thanks for your honesty. Grammar is not really my thing, that's why I like to have it critqued by others.
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Wolfe
Guest
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« Reply #9 on: March 09, 2010, 02:18:15 PM » |
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Allow me to point the way.
She never understood why her mother would lie in bed for hours staring at nothing, completely lost in her own depredation.
'Completely lost in her own depredation' is the problem. We call it a misplaced modifier. When you add phrases like this, it modifies the noun nearest to it. In this case, the phrase modifies the word: nothing.
If you place the phrase in the front: Completely lost in her own depredation, she never understood why her mother would lie in bed for hours staring at nothing.
It modifies the word: she.
I believe you mean to modify the word 'mother'. If so, you need to alter the sentence to reflect this. Also, depredation sounds heavy. Consider a word that draws less attention to itself.
Remember to keep it simple.
Just my humble opinion.
Wolfe
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« Last Edit: March 09, 2010, 02:35:20 PM by Wolfe »
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christa2425
Newbie
Posts: 6
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« Reply #10 on: March 09, 2010, 05:25:57 PM » |
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Thank you very much |
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Poll
