Someone's Child

[Twentington]

I remember lonely feelings
little, and often not at all.
I'll stop playing to record
what, I know, won't be recalled.

What's this knowledge? A night
can speak, through my head
can tear alive dreams;
morning's better, exists

as I never sat, legs-crossed,
never shouldered the weight
of the huntswoman's knife.
Nor ever soundly dreamt of it.

As if over-dressed for a beating,
that still young lady, pausing
softly, forgetting why she lives
save for rolling her eyelashes,

licensing songs, and prophecies, chewing
cheap corners of hope,

lingering on the brink, hunting
knife, and two guns.
"You're someone's child."
Some single thing
to whom
you
belong.

And try not to hurt her,
she feels things so,
so strongly.

[Biola]

  tried to get what you were saying but it didn't go anywhere. better poets might make sense of it for me to learn from so I will come back. thanks for sharing.
biola

[Rorshark]

You have some major abstraction issues towards the beginning there. Stuff like "lonely feelings", "knowledge", "dreams", etc. There's some nice imagery hiding out in the middle and later stanzas, but they need a bit more shine. In generally, the poem is a little confusing, and fails to really say anything. I see a lot of fragmented ideas, no continuity, and no central substance. My advice is to take a machete to the top few stanzas and really develop the imagery lying all prone down there. I'm positive other people around here can give better advice, but here's my two-cents. Don't get me wrong, I see real potential here, but it's all swallowed up by the clutter.

[CCRP]

Twentington, I have been struggling to read you poem, but still didn't make it past the first two stanzas before I had to give up. That's bad news. It means you failed to entertain your reader.

What I see here, is a lot of abstractions and blah-blah. For goodness sake, give us something to look at. Give us imagery. Engage us. But don't - ever - write anything like this again. It doesn't work.

Leah

[eric]

I disagree with Leah's rather doctrinaire admonition, but I do think the images you have don't connect well, and your sentences are syntactically challenged for no obvious reason.

[CCRP]

Point taken, Eric.

I could have been more thoughtful about it. My apologies.