An idea i'm struggling to get up and running.

[redmeat73]

I'm trying to sort out a more direct but sympatheic route to what i want too say. Sounds easy i suppose but its proving not to be the case. It's feeling a touch forced at the moment, but i hope that with trying to better feel my MC it'll help.





Good things come to those who wait.


The dull glow from the street lamp outside supplied the tiny, two roomed apartment with its only light. 

Alone and in near darkness, Joseph sat, waiting and watching.

It had been a month since Joseph had last received a package from Maxwell, but earlier that week Maxwell had visited and told him to be ready. Every night since, Joseph waited in silence, long after the 10 o’clock curfew when the lights go out.

No sooner had they had gone out this evening than a small piece of paper had been slipped under his door.

Both hands gripped the arms of his mother’s old chair and Joseph pushed himself deeper into it. His stomach began churning and the sound of his heart, as it sped up, filled his ears. With both eyes fixed on the paper and his stomach threatening to give way, he fumbled for the glass of water on the cabinet next to him. As he did so the unread newspaper it was resting on fell to the floor.

Joseph pressed the glass to his lips and swallowed. The cold water helped calm his nerves. Before slipping from the chair, Joseph checked the windows to make sure he wasn’t being watched. And as he picked up the strewn paper he read the front page headline. ‘Famine threatens the colonies survival!’  ‘Lies’ Joseph mumbled under his breath, ‘Propaganda bullshit’.

‘The Government only tell us what they want us to know’ Maxwell once told him, and thanks to Maxwell, Joseph had read more than enough police reports and uncensored articles to know what the truth sounded like.

Joseph looked at his alarm clock, 10.07, ‘Give ‘em a few more minutes to settle,’ he thought to himself.

Joseph’s eyes wandered to the patch of mould just above his front door. A large patch of mould would have the other resident knocking on Maxwells door to fix it. But not Joseph, after all it was his only opportunity to speak with him without arousing suspicion.

Especially as Maxwell also warned him not to trust anyone.

To start with he thought the old man must have hit his head but his mind was changed when he was approached by one of his superiors, a small, snivelling little man called Wellsop. He told Joseph that a promotion was about to be announced and he needed eyes and ears in that department.

Joseph agreed to help out whenever he could and to feed back any suspicious behaviour. Yet the promotion passed him by.

[PretzelGirl]

First of all, you're starting from the outside in... i.e. mentioning the environment and then what your character is doing in that environment.
We don't know about the streetlights, it's irrelevant and just adds fluff. We also don't need to be told he's waiting and watching.

I'm not sure what exactly happens here ... he's waiting, then he's getting into a chair, then picking up a newspaper off the floor, and then some man Wellsop appeared? Or was this a flashback? It sounds as if it happening while Joseph is sitting and waiting.


"No sooner had they had gone out this evening than a small piece of paper had been slipped under his door." - awkward sentences. Rephrase it so you're not using all those 'had's.


"A large patch of mould would have the other resident knocking on Maxwells door to fix it. But not Joseph," - this really confused me. Is this Maxwells house? What does he have to do with the mould? Or the house? And what wouldn't Joseph do, knock on Maxwell's door, or not have his door knocked on?

[redmeat73]

Thank you for the feed back. You need to know Joseph is waiting. He's doing so for a reason. Ok, so i've not told you why as yet but i will. It's the start so i didn't want to over write it and tell you everything in one glut.

Matt..

[PretzelGirl]

I meant we don't need to be told "Joseph is waiting".
Show it... he could be looking at the door, tapping his fingers, thinking, talking to himself (if it's in his character) etc.

[redmeat73]

You're right about showing what he's doing while waiting. As for the light, it's dark in his room and without it he'd not be able to see. So it need it.

As for the flash back, how would i tie that in without it seeming out of place or forced?


MAtt..

[don86usa]

It's feeling a touch forced at the moment...

Yes, it is that but it is also more fluid than previous incarnations, so that is progress.

I think you have all, or most, of the pieces and parts here and maybe some rearrangement is all that is needed. PG is correct about the confusing order of things. Also, I think it would help tremendously to give us some inkling of Maxwell's function sooner rather than later. I had gotten the impression he was the block manager or building superintendent.

The piece of paper slipped under the door is the key. Start with that. Joseph has been waiting days for that to appear, and now that it's here, his stomach is doing somersaults. He has to calm himself and think clearly to successfully do whatever it is Maxwell has asked of him.

PG is also correct that Wellsop and the mold are extraneous here. Focus on showing me how Joseph calms himself down and gets ready to complete this mission. I want to know what that mission is. Action, and preparation for action builds tension.

There will be plenty of time to get back to Wellsop, the mold and the promotion later. Right now we need Joseph in action. You can examine his motivations piece by piece throughout the story.

Overall, this is better. Now write me a hook line that will make me want to read line two.

[PretzelGirl]

You're missing the point. I'm not suggesting you leave out those details, if they are relevant. I may have said that it is irrelevant, but here you need to make your own judgment by asking yourself:

why does this reader think this is irrelevant, when I know it is not?

Now, I'm not a complete twat, so maybe it's up to you now to integrate these factors instead of isolating them. You've given us a list of things we need to know at the beginning, instead of showing us a scene, where you show your character being affected by these things.

e.g.

The seconds ticked, blended into minutes and hours. Joseph leaned against his hand and checked his watch. He picked up the paper and brought it closer to his face, squinting through the dim light that came from the street.

This is from the top of my head, but it gave relevant details as they arose, not before the scene started. I also have not told you he's waiting, and I didn't start at the streetlights and come in. It is all driven by the character.



As for the flashback, right now it just flows on from the present scene, using the same tense. It's a very short flashback, so consider using ...

...

past past tense? Someone help here! When a story is written in past tense, then refers to something that has happened previously, it might go something like this: (taken and amended from redmeat's story)

To start with he thought the old man must have hit his head but his mind was changed when he was had been approached by one of his superiors, a small, snivelling little man called Wellsop. He had told Joseph that a promotion was about to be announced and he needed eyes and ears in that department.

[Xerika]

These comments are based on a very quick read so you'll have to forgive the kneejerk reaction...

In a nutshell, intrigued but slightly confused.

You did make me want to keep reading, although I take Don's point about the hook line. Personally, "It had been a month since Joseph had last received a package from Maxwell" would do it for me. Plenty of questions embedded in that sentence to get me interested.

Where was I confused? Well, mainly at the end with the 'flashback'. I wasn't really aware of where that began, and Pretzel makes the point about the tense. (Incidentally, why "his mind was changed" rather than "he'd changed his mind?")

Intrigued? Yes, I was. I'm always up for a well-told political conspiracy/corruption story and, unless I've read this wrong, that seems to be the way you're heading. If I haven't misread your intention, keep on keeping on.

One last fleeting thought. Count how many times you use Joseph's name in such a brief passage. I think you might be able to shed quite a few. 

[redmeat73]

Thanks for the feedback. I now have plenty to chew on. Aside from the tense slip up, which was a case of not so careful editing, I need to focus my attention on show over tell. I have to admit I’m not overly keen on over show tbh, but maybe that’s where the problem is?
I think it’s time to write some more. Well, not just now as alas I’m off to sodding work.

Matt..


Pretzle, i don't think you're a twat.

[PretzelGirl]

what do you mean "not keen on over show"?

[redmeat73]

My bloody iPhone us going to die if it packs up again...


I'm going to do a bit of digging with regards to telling and showing. As too much showing tends to turn me cold. I was about to say I'd rather be told than shown as that way I can better use my imagination, but that sounds somewhat backwards.

Maybe my appreciation of show vs tell is a little off? Or maybe I've been missing the point? That does appear likely.

I've read plenty of books I wish I'd never picked up and maybe those have put me off? Not sure.

Matt..    

[PretzelGirl]

I have no idea... I'd be inclined to say you don't completely understand the dynamics of showing. It's not really a common sense concept, anyway.
You should not show everything. There is a balance. Think of it as "tell" being very heavy and "show" as light, you need to balance them out on a scale 

[redmeat73]

I didn't want to show to much in the first few lines as I wanted to keep the reader guessing. So that was deliberate. However, I understand that while being coy I missed a trick when it comes to hooking the reader.

Being somewhat 'touched', so my wife tells me, I don't need a great deal of showing to go off on a tangent flight of fancy. I guess it's a case of writing for the reader rather than myself.

Matt..

[PretzelGirl]

Alright, maybe you don't understand what I'm talking about.
I was not talking about revealing more, I was talking about SHOWING as opposed to TELLING. Have you heard of this concept? It has nothing to do with how much you reveal to the reader, it's about making your story come alive, about the reader experiencing your story and not simply being told about it.

[redmeat73]

Thank you for your post and yes I've heard of the concept. How on earth could I not have?  In my last piece, as you rightly pointed out, I told to much and didn't show enough. Surely it's a matter of style at the end of the day? Ok, that aspect needs work and since this post i've been doing exactly that.

It just doesn't feel natural to show as much as is needed at the moment, but it will in time.


Matt..