Is there enough tension at the start?

[bison]

STALKED!

FADE IN:
INT. DANA FRANKLIN’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
We see DANA FRANKLIN, an attractive 32 year old Attorney, seated on her couch, typing on a laptop. Her 8 Year old daughter, MIRANDA, on the floor in front of the fireplace, doing homework.
MIRANDA
Mom, I think someone followed us today.
Dana’s head flies up.
DANA
What do you mean? Followed you where?
MIRANDA
On the way to school. There was four of us walking and some guy drove real slow by us for a while. It was freaky. Tandy was going to take out her cell and call 911. We told her he hadn’t done anything.
DANA
Miranda, did you tell your teacher when you got to school?
MIRANDA
No, I forgot about it.
DANA
On, Mandy, you should have told them. I don’t mean to scare you, but there are bad people out there. You can’t be too careful. You report it to your teacher tomorrow.
MIRANDA
I know. They showed us a film at school. Will you drive me tomorrow?
DANA
I’m not sure that’s necessary. I tell you what I will do. I’ll go to work a little later tomorrow and walk along behind you girls.
It might have just been someone looking for a lost dog or something like that.
MIRANDA
Okay.
DANA
Okay, Honey, get your bath. Bed time.
MIRANDA
Okay.
She gathers up her books and papers and exits.
Dana watches her go, a frown on her face. She gets up and double checks the lock on the front door.
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Miranda and four girls her age walk along the sidewalk, backpacks in place. They are very animated and giggly.
Dana, a whistle around here neck and a can of pepper spray in here hand, walks behind the girls some twenty yards back.
A beat as they all walk. Cars pass, other children are walking on both sides of the street.
A gray sedan cruises by, slows and keeps pace with the girls.
One of the girls notices the car and points.
Amanda turns and looks back at her mother.
MIRANDA
(Excited)
Mom! That’s the same car!
Dana trots toward the girls. The car speeds up and drives away.
Dana pulls out a small pad and scribbles the license plate number down.
The girls are all atwitter. Dana calms them.
DANA
Listen to me. I’ll report this to the principals office. You ‘guys don’t need to worry about a thing. It’s probably nothing.
She shoos them along the sidewalk to the schoolyard. She stays on the sidewalk until they are swallowed up by the group of students already on campus.
Amanda waves to Dana as she goes in the door to the building.
Dana turns and looks both ways on the street. She spies nothing and starts to walk back home.
She pulls here cell phone out and dials.
INT. DANA’S OFFICE - DAY
Dana’s at her desk, phone in her ear.
DANA
I really appreciate this, Maria. I know you’re not supposed to give out registration information. I owe you big time. Thanks again.
She hangs up and looks down at the pad where she has written information.
PEGGY TRIPLETT, Dana’s best friend, enters the office.
PEG
Did you get the address?
DANA
Yes, Maria was kind enough to get it for me.
PEG
Where does he live?
DANA
Off Venice and 3rd Avenue, closer to downtown.
PEG
That’s not very close to where you live. He was a long way from home.
DANA
Yes, well, there could be lots of reason for that. I think I’ll drive over there and check it out.
PEG
You be careful, Dana. Don’t do anything silly. Call a cop.
DANA
All he’s done is drive down the street, Peg. I can’t very well file charges on that.
PEG
I guess you’re right. Are you going to take the afternoon off?
DANA
Yes. I’ll take a personal day. Tell Mr. Lanfeir for me, will you. I’m caught up on my cases.
PEG
Okay. Want me to pick Amanda up after school?
DANA
Would you? I’ll treat for dinner tonight to pay you back.
PEG
Cool. I’ll think of somewhere expensive.
DANA
Yeah, right. Any Big Boy will do.
Peg laughs and turns to leave. She stops and gives Dana a serious look.
PEG
You be careful. You hear me?
DANA
Yes, Mother.
EXT. MID CITY NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Dana cruises down the street, looking at house numbers in an old, shabby neighborhood.
She spies the sedan in a driveway and slows even more. She looks down at the license number on her piece of paper.
Dana drives up a few houses and pulls to the curb. She adjusts her rear view mirror so she can see the house and car behind her. She waits.
EXT. MID CITY NEIGHBORHOOD - LATER
Dana looks bored, occasionally checking the mirror.
Suddenly, she becomes alert.
A man emerges from the house. He is mid-30’s, ruggedly handsome, and dressed in jeans and a tee. He has a gym bag hanging from his shoulder.
He gets in the car, backs out and drives away.
Dana turns her car around in a driveway and starts after him.
SERIES OF SHOTS
A) Dana concentrating on staying up with the other car as they wind through streets.
B) Stock shots of LA traffic.
C) The car pulls into a strip mall, locates space and parks. Dana eases into the parking lot and stops.
D) Man walks into a Gold’s Gym.
E) She parks.
END SERIES OF SHOTS
EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - EVENING
The sun is setting, Dana in her car, waiting.
The man emerges from the gym, gets in his car and leaves.
Dana pulls out after him.
EXT. MC DONALDS DRIVE IN PARKING LOT - NIGHT
We see the man through the window, seated and eating.
Dana parks in front, watching him.
EXT. MC DONALDS DRIVE IN PARKING LOT - LATER
The man emerges, gets in his car and drives away, Dana behind him.
EXT. MID CITY NEIGHBORHOOD - MAN’S HOUSE - NIGHT
He pulls up in driveway, gets out, goes inside.
Dana parks across the street and waits.
We see her take out her cell phone and make a call. She talks for a beat, hangs up, and goes back to waiting.

[ricketybridge]

Lots of spelling and grammar mistakes.  Even though this is "just" a message board, it's good practice and just respectful to those reading your work to proofread your work.

Secondly, the way Miranda just announces her suspicions not only makes for a lack of tension, but is not really believable for an 8-year-old, either.  Since you're writing a screenplay and not a stage play, why don't you just show everything she describes to her mother?  That would definitely add a lot more suspense, as we wonder if that guy is really following them and what he wants.

The other scenes also have the tension out of their sails.  They seem to just move along leisurely--they see the car again, Dana gets the address, she follows him.  What's the conflict?

Additionally, however, I don't really find it believable that Dana would essentially stalk him back.  What does she hope to gain from that?  And as a middle-class lawyer type, I don't see her as having the time or inclination to do so.

[bison]

Thank you for your observation. I appreciate it.
You did seem to spank my hand for not editing. That is the very last thing that I do when I
write. An Asn't Prof. of English at a local university will handle that for me. I did not originally
intend to post anything, but, you are correct in it being bad policy to make it public when it
is in such a raw state. My bad.
Thank you again.

[Country4Gal]

Thank you for your observation. I appreciate it.
You did seem to spank my hand for not editing. That is the very last thing that I do when I
write. An Asn't Prof. of English at a local university will handle that for me. I did not originally
intend to post anything, but, you are correct in it being bad policy to make it public when it
is in such a raw state. My bad.
Thank you again.

This is not intended to be confrontational, please don't take it that way; but I can't help wondering why, if you are serious about wanting to write, you would leave the editing of your work, especially the initial editing, for someone else to do?  I believe most writers would agree, editing is part of writing.

[Artistic]

Hi Bison!
Before I mention anything about there being enough tension in the beginning or not, please note that the first thing you have to know is the mechanics of screenwriting, and not just know, but apply them. I don't mean any offence but I think it would be better to post your work and ask for a general critique because tension alone doesn't guarantee a sale.
As I read the script I noticed that there is an excessive use of lengthy pieces of dialogue and somewhat too many of them. It is therefore classified “Talky”. To avoid that since talky scripts are hard to sell, try to tell your story more in pictures and let the dialogue when it appears, serve two specific purposes for now, to move the story forward and reveal character. Of course dialogue serves to build up tension but it's advisable at the start, to write your entire story without any dialogue. It's a bit hard it helps so you don't over rely on dialogue to tell the story.

All the best!

[bison]

Again, thanks guys. I do appreciate the feedback.
Country, by 'editing', I basically mean grammar, not my long suit. Editing
for content, story line, etc., I do (with help from you folks)
As to being 'talky', you hit the nail on the head. I guess that's
a hangover from stage plays.
And, I don't think it is the least bit confrontational. I was looking for
suggestions on ramping up tension at the start. I've hardly gotten
out of the blocks with it.
Ciao,
RAN

[janmarie]

well i am somewhat confused on what the 8 year old little girls name is?
at one point her name is Miranda
then as you go a little further it is Mandy
then further into it it is Amanda
How many daughters does Dana actually have?



DANA
Miranda, did you tell your teacher when you got to school?
MIRANDA
No, I forgot about it.
DANA
On, Mandy, you should have told them. I don’t mean to scare you, but there are bad people out there. You can’t be too careful. You report it to your teacher tomorrow.



EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Miranda and four girls her age walk along the sidewalk, backpacks in place. They are very animated and giggly.
Dana, a whistle around here neck and a can of pepper spray in here hand, walks behind the girls some twenty yards back.
A beat as they all walk. Cars pass, other children are walking on both sides of the street.
A gray sedan cruises by, slows and keeps pace with the girls.
One of the girls notices the car and points



Amanda turns to look back at  her mother

[Inseriousity.]

I agree with a previous poster, the maturity of the 8 year old is unbelievable. I'm not saying that 8 year olds are stupid but I seriously doubt an 8 year old would think of danger when seeing a strange man in a car. To get around this, I would say that as she is only 8, maybe Dana is overprotective of her daughter and walks her to school. A parent is more likely to see these things and get paranoid about it, in my opinion! I also think you could build the suspense up more by making it more complicated. She sees the car, gets an address, goes after him. I expect it would take more than one viewing to really get completely paranoid about it that you twist corners to get an address for the man!

Build up the tension more slowly and gradually.

[janmarie]

posted by inseriousity
I agree with a previous poster, the maturity of the 8 year old is unbelievable. I'm not saying that 8 year olds are stupid but I seriously doubt an 8 year old would think of danger when seeing a strange man in a car.

I do not agree with this statement, I have the pleasure of having a 9 year old daughter and as a mother I have pounded it into her head since she started school to be wary of strangers, be aware of your surroundings.  And to this day if she sees someone that makes her uncomfortable she will tell an adult.  

Just a little tidbit of info: this actually happened to me although I was a little older, 12 to be exact.

 I lived in a small town of about 5,000 people where everyone knows everyone else.  I was walking to my friends house one day after school, she lived about 8 blocks from home.  I was almost to her house just 2 or 3 houses away when a car with 2 older men drove by me very slowly.  I turned back to look at the car I thought it was strange. The car stopped then started to move backwards towards me and I felt a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.  

I picked up the pace and kept walking then the man on the passenger side opened his door and started to get out, he had a short stubbly beard and dirty gray hair and I noticed something odd he was wearing a gray t-shirt and black leather gloves in the month of May.  He spoke to me "Do you know where the Anderson's live?"  Alarm bells were going off in my head, I answered "No" and i quickly turned and started walking up to the house I was in front of like i knew the people who lived there, even though I didn't.  I went up to the door and knocked, thank god a little old lady answered the door. I told her what was going on, I turned to look and the car was gone.  

I could of been one of those missing children you see on milk cartons.

Janmarie

[Michelle. V. Thorpe]

I've had a simular experience.
I was on the way home from school about eight years ago.
A car was simply parked by a path, and there was four men in the car.
They asked me if I wanted a lift. I said no.
So then they turned and started yelling abuse at me.
I wasn't afraid, though I was very aware of the danger I was in.
I simply shrugged my shoulders and took another route home.

I flagged down a police car a few minutes later, about 3 roads away from the incident.
I lead the police back to where the men were, but the car and the men were already gone.
I didn't tell my parents, I just figured that the police scared them off.

[bison]

Wow! I can't believe any of you people would think an eight year old,
in this day and age, would not be suspicious of a car cruising slowly along
beside you as you walk down the street! In the good old days, maybe not,
but in today's climate...I don't think so.

And, Janmarie, I changed her name and haven't caught the boo-boo you mention
since, as we all know by now, there has been no editing.

Anyway, thanks to you all for the dialogue. As you can tell, I had barely
gotten started with it (no editing, no nothin') and needed an opinion or two.
Cheers!

[Inseriousity.]

I'm only 17 so it's not like I was born in the "good old days where we left our doors open without fear of getting robbed, where we played in the street for hours". Maybe it's because I'm a boy and it's normally the girls who have the fear of God put into them.

Oh well, regardless of the maturity of the girl, I still think it'd be a good idea to play on a mother's paranoia. It could be used to build tension, which is what the question of the thread was

[mrsbee]

Hi Bison
I agree with the others. You have to start with the important incident. 8 year old girls are certainly well clued up about strangers in cars so you can also show the girls' reactions, which won't necessarily all be the same and might have an element of excitement. I found it a bit boring once the mother started stalking - too much detail of nothing happening - and the friend's warning about the danger didn't really seem to play out in the description of the guy. But maybe it's going to turn out that he's a really nice guy and there was a perfectly good explanation for his behaviour. I would be interested to read some more. 

[par]

some of my comments were said by others, so i'll let those go.
umm, Mandy is a nickname for Amanda.
i have to slightly disagree with the comments about editing as you go.  i often do that, but when i'm not through and not sure of something, i won't edit because i know i'll be changing some things after thinking about them and after others'  comments.
when the script is finished, there will be plenty of time to go over it and make sure it all hangs together.

[midnight candle]

... and another one - what a surprise.